Good or not, I haven’t lived in just one place, in fact I always felt that I was between places. Until I was 13 we lived in a not-so-small town, during the week me, my mom and my sister would stay at the city so we could go to school, and during the weekends we’d go to the farm where my dad worked, or he would come to the city. After that we moved to a bigger city, but the routine was the same, different town, different farm. This only changed when I turned 18 and went live with my grandparents so I could go to college, but still I come back to my parents house when the school is over.
I’m telling you this because some context is always good, also it helps me to keep track of a timeline. Let’s go to the part that has been on my mind: I’m feeling homesick of a place that wasn’t home.
When I was at my exchange I didn’t felt homesick, there were times where I would miss something or someone specific, but not the whole place and experience surround it. Now, when I look back at that time I miss every thing, the place, the people, the feeling of being on my own (which could be good or bad depending on the day). I loved what I was doing there, I felt excited about studying, I went to each one of my classes and there wasn`t a day where the thought of missing something crossed my mind. And I miss that.
When I got back to my routine here in Brazil, I was at a sort of shock, because I wasn`t excited, or happy about the things I had to finish here, I just wanted to be over, so I could move on to the next thing whatever it will be. I never looked back at something, it was either now or the future. The first time I moved I was sad because I was leaving the only life I knew, but at the same time I was thinking “how incredible can it be going to a place where nobody knows me, I can be the person I always wanted but was scared to”. That lead me to meet some amazing people who are still my friends and some that got lost in the way because I’m awful at keeping touch.
My point is, my mind never went backwards, after a change it was only forward, so it felt weird when after a big change I was at the same place where I left.
At the same time I look back, I project it to the future, I know I will never have the exact same life I had at the beginning of 2016, it was a unique experience, but I can only hope and try be somewhere and make something that will make me feel as complete as I did there, I need to go two steps forward because I feel like turned one back.